My extended family has been on my mind lately. Leading up to the 2016 election (and the year I got married) I let me political opinion be known just like everyone else. I am more than entitled to my vote and my opinion. My family is very religious. I am not all that religious anymore. I am not someone who will seek out confrontation or go looking for posts to argue over. I post my opinion and move on. I unfollowed a lot of people so that I didn’t have to see their posts but kept them on my friend list because I liked the only 50-75% of who they were. I posted a article from a police officers POV about race and my Aunt engaged in the comments. I replied and pointed out the article she was referencing actually proved her points wrong. I wasn’t nasty. I wasn’t mean or malicious. After my wedding two of my aunts (we have a very small family) unfriended me. My sister confronted one about it and she basically said she had to because I was making her so anger it was taking away from her children. Mind you I’ve never ever commented on ANYTHING she has ever posted. She also went on to say how I had changed and that everyone knows “how I am”. I cried for two weeks. What hurt the most was the aunt I loved so dearly and was so close to just cut me out like I had never mattered to her. I haven’t spoken to them in two years. I find it hard to visit anyone in my family because of this. It leaves me questioning myself but I can’t find fault in caring about others. My political beliefs are people based. I care about marginalized people. I care about the people who are poor, sick, different, and struggling. I’m not as unloveable as they have made me feel. I’ve held on to so much bitterness from this but today I’m letting it go and wishing them well. Putting it out into the universe I say to them that I hope you have a good and happy life that is filled with love, success and health.
Spiraling. It is the thing I do when my anxiety takes over and I can no longer fight it off. Yesterday I ended up revisiting middle school and high school for no reason other than my mind wanted to make my anxiety make sense (or so I’m guessing). I also think it was triggered by feeling lonely. At 32 years old I am finding it increasingly difficult to be alone. I don’t like being alone with my thoughts and anxiety. I like having those I love around. My husband was working and I had the day off so I was feeling lonely and anxious (are you seeing a theme yet?). I was thinking about how incredibly hard it is to make lasting and meaningful friendships as an adult but if I’m honest with myself I never had meaningful friendships at any point in my life.
I would say that I have one good friend at this stage in my life but my mind constantly tells me that I count this friend more than they care about me. I then thought about the large friend groups of my high school time and how they still show up for one another. I was always on the outside looking in. No one cared about me in middle school or high school. Even typing those words feels melodramatic but it’ honestly how I feel and recall that time in my life.
I am now 32 years old, married, and working as a registered nurse. I find myself in the same situation as I did way back when at work; i’m on the outside looking in. I am lucky to have my best friend in my husband he is truly the best person I have ever encountered in life and would not trade him for anything. I do wish that I had support system of friends that wanted to get brunch or texted to check on me or that I could help and share in celebrating their successes and joys.
I want a full life. I see so much death in my career that I know we only get this one life and that it goes back at the speed of light so it makes this void in my life feel even more urgent and impossible. I don’t know where to start but I’m guessing it will start with work on myself. I will work on being a good friend and working at my bitterness.
I think that sometimes we are too quick to call others out on being toxic and not spending enough time on identifying toxic behavior in our own selves. It’s not particularly hard for me to point out my weaknesses because I never think to highly of myself but I’m unpacking what is real and what is my messed up self image issues.
I want to work on gossiping. Gossiping is one of the easiest toxic behaviors to fall into because it is also a means of bonding with peers. It hurts to find out you yourself have been the topic of gossip and this is hurt that I do not want to pass along. I want to work on being mindful with my words and actions. I aspire to have a lighter heart and lessen my bitterness. I have taken the hurt given and held onto it so tightly that it really has dampened my capacity to see the good in people. I have allowed the awful, nasty words of people seep into the fabric of my being and it has shaped my outlook. I want to be better than those who have hurt me.
I guess the whole point of this post was purely personal for myself as a way to organize and dump these particular feelings that reappear so often. I think this is a springboard on which I will look at even more of the mental health battles I have.
If you’ve read this and at all identify yourself in any of the words I have written please remember to be gentle and kind with yourself.
I have fallen victim to thinking my life should be a stylized influencer instagram. I consume hours and hours of social media content. I am the targeted audience. I want to be one of the beautiful people with the perfect brunch lives. I want to be sent dazzling products to review and preface my posts with “#ad”, but sadly I am just a regular schmuck that works full time. My life is far from glamorous or instagram-worthy, but that doesn’t mean that my life doesn’t have value. I am married to a wonderful man, I have a loving and supportive immediate family, a few close friends, and of course a small gang of dogs. My house is constantly in a state of emergency, the laundry is backed up, there is typically always a dish in the sink, and the dog toys are everywhere. I’m tired. I work nightshift and have done so since I graduated college in 2013. I’m tired. I also struggle with anxiety and depression, so that fabulous instagram/youtube life that I so badly want is even farther from my grasp. I keep thinking “if only..”, if only I had a new camera I could take YouTube by storm, if only I had my house perfectly organized I could set up perfect stylized photos for insta, if only I did my make-up and hair everyday I would get to be one of “them”.
I don’t always do my make-up even though I have a burning passion for it because I’m tired most days. I don’t do much of the things because I’m living a full and exhausting life full of work and stress that leaves me barely meeting basic needs somedays. How do I recover from this instagram sickness? How do I meet myself in the middle and improve my life in the areas I want without the expectation of it being social media fabulous?
I’m going to work harder at organizing my house and living environment because it’s something I really want to do, but I will also work on losing the expectation I put on myself to be Mrs. Hinch perfect. I’m going to work on self care more and try to do things that make me feel good (make up, fashion) without thinking I have to live up to the “plus size influencers”. I’m going to work on my personal health but not feel that I have to be sucked into the “before and after” culture for my efforts to be worthy. I simply want to live a good and happy life and I can definitely help myself along the way.
(Photo: low quality snapchat save of my constant state of “tired” but featuring a cute dog)
This Memorial Day it was sunny and hot so I decided to do something I have never done in the past! I wore a outfit that allowed me to stay cool and one I thought was cute.
My Husband captured a photo of me grilling and initially I vetoed the photo because it highlights a lot of things I dislike about myself. I feel like at 31 years old I need to let go of the thought process of needing to be flattering. I posted this upcoming photo to my Instagram and felt okay with it!
Love yourself just as your are, you are not the “before” you.
All items expect bag and accessories are from Torrid. My bag is a Kate Spade purchased from TJMaxx and my watch is Michael Kors. The booties featured in this post are some of my favorites because of the beautiful jeweled accents. I am a fan of the lace neckline detailing and the flowing wispy fabric of the cover cup. This outfit is a good winter to spring transition even though on this day I should of worn a coat.
This handsome little guy is Cooper John our 3-year-old Pomchi. He came to use after our dachshund, Chloe, passed away. Raising this boy was rough but we made it out the other side of those dark puppy days. Cooper is such a loving and fiercely loving dog. Squeaker balls (animal themed in particular) are his favorite and he loves to play fetch.